What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 07:16
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My life is so biszare .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I write beautiful poetry .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What did i know ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was very sick at this time too.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I will be 64.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i lived it daily.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So whats the point in blame.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im still living with it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I have no regrets .
Ive learnt so much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was seconnd youngest,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Would this be the day?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Comes on , in middle age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I waited trembling.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She loved him until the end.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She wouldn,t have been !
I think the readers, may guess!
When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My family never makes their pension either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She married twice! .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
It was going to be , some day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot live in the past .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We all went to grammer schools
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He resisted the act ,that day.
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I could never make a relationship work though!